Soul.

June 29. I haven’t written in the longest time. But don’t worry, I’ll tell you exactly why and what was up with me..

Recap to the start of the year – it was the most fantastic start. I was in Dubai for New Year’s and what, how, when, why, where is another separate story. Came back, got promoted, permanently lost some very close friends, fell in love, fell out of it, made plans, cancelled them, feared and ultimately got over the biggest fears I ever had.

My biggest fear was being alone – losing people. My biggest weakness was caring too much. My greatest strength was overcoming all of this and ultimately becoming the strongest version of myself I’ve ever known.

I thought I’d never be able to survive if I lost a friend, I’d be a social outcast and have to lead the rest of my life in a miserable lonely bubble. But I was wrong. You see, God has plans for you. Some people are only in your life to teach you a lesson. And this one person taught me the greatest lesson there ever was: Self-belief. It took me a long time to recover, yes I took my sweet time but mainly because I was in denial and partly because I put myself on a ring road where I just wanted to find answers – Why would someone, I trusted so much, go on a character assault of my worthy self and refuse to admit they were at fault? Then it dawned on me, I was trying to find answers that weren’t even there. Because character assaulting is something only someone with a broken self and massive insecurities would do. So I realized, I wasn’t the one to blame, I didn’t need to find those answers. I just needed to thank that person for making me stronger, and I needed to move on with my life.

Instead of waking up with a heavy heart full of regrets, I needed to take deep breathes that would rejuvenate my soul everyday. I needed to look at things from a different perspective and thank God for what he had given me (or taken away). Once that sank in, I had never felt lighter. I had never felt stress-free. And I have never felt happier.

I could focus more now – on my work, on my family, on my mother, who had always always been there for me, and yet I failed to realize that because I was trying to make amends with this one unworthy person. From here on, I knew what I had to do – never ever look back. And not for one second think that what happened shouldn’t have happened.

After almost 8 months, here I am, living the most content phase of my life I have ever lived yet. Safe to say, I have over come my biggest fear of losing people and from here onward, nothing can intimidate me, not for a second. Because this new person that I’ve become, is someone I’m totally in love with.

Advertisements

Slug.

6th December. 5:20pm. I guess this only happens during exam days. You start to feel. Feel things you usually don’t care about. Things like, maybe people don’t like you anymore. Or things like, people are avoiding you. But blah. Who cares. And it also happens that you tend to listen to some extra good music that, later, you can’t take your mind off. YES! It happens. To humans, ofcourse.

However, point here being that you’re losing your focus. What’s your focus in the first place, btw? Decide. Anyway, right now I know why I’m writing. Because I’m bored, and I’ve practically lost interest in anything around me. Somehow, even A person I “loved” isn’t making much difference to this sluggish life of mine since the past two days. But oh well.

Major issue at the back of my mind right now would be: How would you feel if a friend of yours starts liking another friend of yours? Where do you stand then? Sigh. How miserable that makes you feel. Pretty. This is primarily the reason I don’t like being human. One feels stuff that pinches.

I’m not sad, no no. I’m just annoyed. And everything feels very slow. Time, definitely. I have exams from the 10th of this month to the 25th and then a month long break. And I WANT to go out of country for a while. Kick back and realx. Not to places I’ve already been to, but somewhere new. Where I find myself interesting. And where I can feel the excitement in my veins. December, be good please.

Naba.

My best friend got married in January this year and she was supposed to move to England. Her visa came in May and she left. It’s been 4 months since I last saw her or properly talked to her.

When she left, she left me with a void, a hollow space that I knew will take a long, long time to fill. It prolly won’t even ever fill. When she left, I cried. I cried so much that I couldn’t breath. I had to put a piece of cloth in my mouth to stop myself from screaming from the agony. Because knowing that her life was changing was going to be hard for her, but even harder would’ve been the fact for me getting used to a life where I don’t get to see her everyday. I’m still not used to it. But I try not to think about it. Or whenever I start thinking about it, I distract myself. I try to keep myself busy.

The day she left, I could feel my heart ache so much. That day, I just needed a familiar face to cry with. A face that knew me as well as she did. But there was no one. Since that day, I’ve constantly been left with a void. As I write this, I cry because I can never get over the physical distance that exists between Naba and me. I miss her so much. I’ve stopped thinking at all. I believe that one day, I will party with Naba in England. If life has a way.

When Naba was here, she had always been my next door neighbor. In F11. We went to university together. We played in the same teams. We did everything after university together. We had a lot of mutual friends. Being with her was like being with water. Friendship with her is flowy. You don’t have to make an effort to feel at home with her. She is home. If you have an argument with her, she’ll argue back until you settle the issue. You fight, she’d fight back to make things right. And she knew every single facial expression of mine so well, she could tell what was up in a jiffy. I know she tried to make my relationships right with people she knew mattered a lot to me. I never knew her leaving would be THIS hard for me. I never knew it would leave me broken into a million little pieces. There are times when I genuinely need a friend to lie down with and spill my heart out. I don’t have that friend anymore. I have none.

There are times when I don’t know what is more painful. The fact that you’re gone or the fact that I don’t know when I’ll get to see you with my own 2 eyes next. When I drive on the roads in this city, I can’t help but recall the last time I was on those roads with you and you would make me laugh like crazy with your insane humor, randomly shouting at passer-bys on the road. The one time when we got lost in Saddar when we were trying to find Mei-Kong. Or the one time you asked the price of a qurbaani ka bakra and I stopped the car and it gave my laughter fits. Or the time when you used to enter my car and I used to play “long drive pe chal” and you hated it sooooo much. Or the fact that whenever I told you to come out because I was here to pick you, you took your sweet time and I was okay with it.

The days when I had fights with my parents and I would come over to your place whenever I wanted to and you would forcefully make me drink coffee that you had kept in the fridge. Or when you and me used to help Aanu with his homework. Remember Harry Potter? Remember when we used to play table tennis on your dining table and aunty would tell us that we were ruining the table? The fact that you always lost to me, Ahmed and Aanu and would never admit that you were a pathetic player? The times when we used to go for evening walks in the F-11 park next to Suleman Market. And always wish to play tennis and football there and judge that hot-ass aunty who was fitter than us, even at age 50? Or judging the girl who was always on call with the boy next to her and we kept wondering who she was talking to?

The random hangouts that we had with Hashim and Maha, when she was here? That trip to Monal where you treated us and it was so cold and the food so spicy that we couldn’t even eat. Heart to heart sessions with Bijli. Or Nimra coming to F-11 and we hanging out at Optp. I miss all of this so much now, Naba. Making random plans with Zain, Dodi, Faryal or Naqshe and using my little white Alto as a taxi. I swear I could be a driver for Careem right now, with all the experience I’ve got.

Fast forward to today, where I get to talk to you only once properly in 2 months. But that one talk makes me feel so much better about myself. About everything. I know that you understand the things I don’t say out loud. And you have no idea how much I appreciate you making the efforts that you make on my behalf for my relationships. Some of the things you’ve said have been etched onto my heart like a scar. A good scar, and it will stay there forever. They say, how you treat someone says a lot about you. The way you’ve always handled me at my worst says volumes about how amazing you truly are as a person. The fact that every time I’m in some doubt, you assure me that this friendship will never be one sided. When I complain that you ignore me or you don’t take out time for me, you tell me why. I’ve seen people who refuse to admit they’re on the wrong but you’re not one of them. You’ve never humiliated me or belittled me. For that, I’m grateful. Friendships are also about keeping intact your friend’s self-esteem and self-worth and you’ve always managed to do that so perfectly well. I’ve never felt degraded once when I talk to you. But I’ve always felt at my best. Conversation have always been easy with you and whenever I call you or text you, you’ve never made me feel that I bother you. It means a lot to me.

You’ve left and you’re gone and I’m so glad you’ve asked people here to be on the lookout for me. People I know through you. And they’re doing a wonderful job.

So, here’s just a little shout out to a hope that is very strong in me right now; that I’ll meet you soon 🙂

Misunderstandings.

This world is a funny funny place. One moment you’re cruising with life like it couldn’t get any better and the next you’re on the lowest point there is and you can see no way out of it. It’s just like that.

Life is supposed to have ups and downs. That’s what they always say. Otherwise, you’re just as good as dead. But it’s not supposed to be an all-time-low all the time. It’s supposed to get better with time. It’s supposed to heal your wounds and make you forget the pain you’ve endured. It’s supposed to mend your scars.

Life gives you people that you cherish. Some so perfect, you start to believe they are going to be there forever. No, you’re not taking them for granted. You just trust them too much to not leave. And when they finally do, they leave such a huge gap which is just never going to be filled again. It’s a hole. Because things happen and misunderstandings take place, but they’re supposed to end too. Everyone makes mistakes, knowingly or unknowingly, we hurt people in ways that tears them down. But there are bigger things than just a “sorry” to make up for that. And you do those things too. The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding. There are also points where you’re at a loss of words to explain yourself. I’m at that loss since a week now. Maybe because, I don’t want to find words in the first place or maybe because I know that an explanation at this point just won’t matter.

I’m old and broken now. I have seen so many different shades of life. Some have been really dark and changed me as a person too. I’ve tried to fix them too. But I think I’ve lost. And that’s the biggest disappointment there is in life; not being able to make something right even though you gave it your best shot.

 

Daunting. 

Been trying to sleep. And cannot sleep for the last 2 hours or so. It’s 3:25am in the morning and here I am, caught up trying to make a life changing decision. 

Problem is. I can’t talk to anyone about it. One, because I just don’t want to tell anyone. It’s my little secret. Two, because my best friend is in a different time zone and I have no other friends who will help me with this without humiliating me. And to be very honest, I can’t let anyone trod on my ego and self esteem anymore. It is also time to let go of one of the most toxic friendships. 

I’m glad I’m angry and it’s driving my thought process. It’s really helping. Anyway, this not being the point right now. Letting go of this toxic friendship is top of the agenda but right now I need to get through with this decision. Can’t distinguish if it’s compromise or not. Whether I’m accepting this just because I have to or if it’s meant to be. Either way, only time will tell. And it’s going to take another 2 weeks. 

Plethora.

I’ve got my writing hat on today after a very long time. Because I’m feeling a plethora of emotions today. I know why and I know what too. I feel like I’m in school again. Feels like all the years that I survived have suddenly back tracked. I’m listening to the same music that I used to in 2005, in 2006 and in 2007. It’s like something is covering me from top to bottom, like a possession. And trust me when I say, I’ve never felt this way before.

I can’t talk much anymore, I can’t make conversation and I can’t keep the conversation going either. I don’t want to be in touch with anyone. I’m in the corner of my room that I have specifically dedicated for my thought process. The corner where I smoke till my brain goes numb, with the headphones on, in the loudest volume they can bear.

I want a partner. Someone who makes the efforts for me. Not someone about who I constantly have to wonder whether they want to be in my life or not. Someone who is as easy as fluid. Someone who will occasionally hug me and tell me that it’s alright. That the demons in my head will die. Not today, but they will. Someone who will convince me that I still need to chase my dreams. That it’s not over yet. But at the same time, I don’t want useless, mindless, trackless opinions. I want someone to come come pick me up and take me to a place where there’s euphoria. I’ve waited so long. I have fantasized for such a long time. I want it all to become reality. Right now. Not later, today!

DemonBook.jpg

Alhamdolillah.

April 12, 2o16. All I’ve really gotta say right now is Alhamdulillah!

This year has really turned into one of the best so far. Why? Because I have so many things to be thankful for. I am working with one of the best employers of the country, a job that I tried landing for almost 3 years. After countless interviews, countless rejections and after all hope was lost, I finally did get it. It’s like they say, “deyr ai, durust ai”.

After searching for 4 months, I finally got the car I wanted to get. And it has more to offer than I thought was possible. It’s almost brand new, noiseless and has the latest navigation system and I’m blessed to be able to keep the fuel tank full and cruise town whenever I want.

I’m thankful that I have been able to do everything that was at the back of my mind too. Get a new sofa, renovate my bathroom, play in all major tournaments in the city and be recognized and appreciated for it. I’ve met new people and I’ve made new friends, who respect and make me laugh till my stomach hurts. I’m glad I’m still in touch with some of my best friends, who randomly drop by to surprise me. And who are always ready to take out time for me whenever I ask them to.

I’m glad that when I get home, I have time to work out and that I have time to watch a movie or two or read a book in bed. That I get breakfast on time and make it to work on time.

I’m, somehow, also glad that I have been able to touch people’s lives in a way I never thought I could. And for all this, there’s nothing more than Alhamdolillah that I can say.

Moving On.

I think what I’m going to write is going to be the best piece of my writing so far.

Because I’m so overwhelmed by the love and support I’ve received from a certain place. Because I’ve made friends with great people who are genuine and true, inside out. People who are ready to stand-by you without thinking what’s in it for them. Those type of people. And such people are gems.

Life is all about making the toughest decisions. And I made one today. I chose to step out of my comfort zone to live my dream. And I’ll be really honest with you; I haven’t been even close to sad in the last 2 months but today I’m just depressed. Because I can’t help thinking if I made the right decision or not.

And after 3 weeks of contemplation and utter confusion, yesterday was my last day at Elixir (that was a surprise for me too – and Noor didn’t come to work). Any how, as I was leaving, I couldn’t help but smile to myself at what I was taking with me from here. Good, genuine people. People, who in a really short span of time -2 months, helped me take the biggest and most important decision of my life. Even though I was swaying like a stupid leaf in the wind, they helped me keep my ground and prevent me falling on the wrong side.

Anyhow, one week into the job everyone told me is the perfect thing for me, here I am randomly spilling tears every now and then because I don’t like it here. At the end of the day, it’s not about how big the organization is, how much career growth you’ll experience or how much you’ll learn. It’s all about being somewhere where you’re internally happy, satisfied and look forward to the day. That’s what’s its all about. And knowing all of this, I still chose to hammer my own foot with my own ax at my own discretion. I hate it all now. I hate every bit of it.